Not quite my story, but I can learn

On a friend's recommendation, I just read The Color of Water: a Black Man's Tribute to his White Mother, by James McBride. Since the baby we'll get will most likely be a different color than we are, I'm trying to prepare for some of the reactions and situations that our family will find ourselves in.

The book gave me lots to think about. For example, there's an incident in which one of the author's brothers (all of the children in the family look black) gets wrongly arrested. The judge is about to send him to jail for the night, until his white mother stands up and says, "He is a good boy, he didn't do this thing, let him come home with me." The judge lets the boy go. Yeah, that stinks. But what really got me was the author's confusion as a young man about how to identify himself socially. His mother was white and both his father and stepfather where black. They lived in all-black neighborhoods. Was he black and was whitey bad? What about all the good white people he knew? He struggled with understanding and defining his own identity. His mother didn't discuss these issues with any of her twelve (12!) children, primarily because she didn't want to talk about her own growing up. The author finally gained some clarity as an adult, when he got his mom to explain her own childhood to him.

I'm sure that our children will have some difficulties growing up brown with white parents. I expect that they will be confused about who's side they're supposed to be on in certain situations. I'm sure that they will have to decide those questions themselves, but I am also committed to being aware of those questions. I want our children to know that it's OK to have questions and that it's OK to be confused. And that I will personally kick anyone who gives my babies any grief.

The mom's reticence to discuss her childhood challenges me. I anticipate that there will be a lot of stories that I won't be able to tell my children until they're older. I am incredibly fortunate that my real parents (NOT my birth parents) were near me throughout my childhood, so that they are able to help me remember the happy parts of being a kid. Talking about birth parents with our children will surely test me, as I know first hand how terrible birth parents can be. (Just to be clear: having a baby of your own biology does not make you a birth parent - that makes you a parent. You're a birth parent if you either give your child for adoption or if your child has to leave you because you're so bad at parenting.)

The Color of Water is much more complex and interesting than I've uncovered here. The details of how this woman raised twelve children on almost no money (because really, how much money IS enough to raise 12 children??), how she managed their educations, and how she was so determined to raise her children to be strong and proud and loved... that story is amazing.